One Ugly Ducky

I just wanted to stop by and let everyone know that I’ve got a new blog. To Josh, if you see this, you’re more than welcome to delete this blog. And I wanna say thanks for hosting me! To anyone I exchanged links with, just let me know if you still want to link up and I’ll get you added to my new blog. Anyway, onto the link…

http://www.trysten.net
http://www.trysten.net
http://www.trysten.net

Today has been shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Did I mention it was shit? Every day of the past week has been shit except one. I’m always unhappy now and I have no idea why. Just the tiniest things set me off. I hate it. And, of course, my way of getting out my stress and anger is by taking it all out on my body. I swear, I do everything now. I bite, I hit, I scratch, I cut. I’m not sure there is anything else I can do to hurt myself besides suicide.

Speaking of, people really don’t understand how suicidal I am right now. I’ve considered making my Christmas present to myself death. I really have. I just want this bullshit to be over. I’m so sick of feeling like this and no one caring. No one else cares, so why should I? I’m sure I’d just be doing everyone else a favor by offing myself anyway. That’s how it seems at least. I don’t even think my friends or family give a shit anymore. Everyone is so caught up in their own little world, no one realizes how close to the edge I really am. Or maybe they do and just don’t care, I don’t know. I can’t take it. All I know is I need someone to help or else I’m finally just going to do it.

Whatever, back to today. I don’t even know the last time I had a day where I was depressed the entire full day. The ENTIRE damn day. I cut myself, I scratched myself, I bit myself and nothing fucking helped. I hate this. Hurting myself was the only outlet I had and now it doesn’t even work. What the fuck am I supposed to do now? Huh? What? I have no idea. Hurting myself doesn’t help, these fucking meds I’m on just make things worse, nothing does anything to make any of these shit feelings go away. I don’t know what to do anymore. Again, I just want it all to end.

- Trysten Blair

And do you know what my trouble is? I have no boyfriend.

I’ve been single my entire life. Well, I did have this online thing with a girl in 2005 (this was before I finally admitted that I didn’t really like girls in that way), but I don’t count that since we were both 13, it was online and I’m kinda full on gay here. It’s not like I’ve never been interested in someone before, it’s just that no one is ever interested in me. The girl form 2005 is the only person who has ever liked me as more than a friend. Well, the only one I know of anyway.

I do have a bit of a crush right now, but, as usual, he’s an online friend. But at least I know he likes boys too (because he visits MilkBoys)! That’s better than the last time. But I just don’t want to do an online thing again, and who knows if he even likes me back? Probably not. Even if he did and I did decide I wanted to have an online relationship again, he lives in frickin’ Europe. If I’m doing any sort of online thing, the boy needs to live in America so I might actually be able to visit him sometime. But despite all of that, a part of me DOES want to tell him I think I like him as more than a friend. If for anything, just to see if he might like me back. It’s all so confusing. If he did like me back, I would wanna try to have a relationship with him despite how much I really don’t wanna have an online relationship. I so don’t know what to do here.

But on a different note, I just don’t get why people never like me as more than a friend. Am I only good enough to be a friend? I mean c’mon, I’m caring, sweet, thoughtful and at least kinda cute, right? What more do you want from me? I understand I have my issues, but I’m trying to work those out. All I need from you there is a tad bit of patience. It’s just so confusing to me, I don’t know what to do to be more appealing. Anyone have any tips?

Anyway, I’m just really depressed over all of this. I want a boyfriend so badly. And I want, like, an actual relationship, y’know? I’m not the type to just hook up and be done, I’m not a CraigsList kinda guy. What do you do when you’re at home most of the day and you’re only interaction with the outside world is when you’re at the cash register for a clothing store or restaurant? Chat up the cashier, see if he seems decent and then just hope and pray that he might actually be into guys too? I mean my chances are a lot better here than anywhere that that would happen (I live in Bloomington, IN, we’re, like, the gay capital of America or something), but still. And even if that did work – I’m going to be very frank right now – how do you know he isn’t just looking to get his dick sucked? Again, I don’t do that anywhere near the first date. We’re going to be together for, like, five months before I even consider a hand job. Ugh, anyway, what do I do here? I want a boyfriend desperately and I’m willing to try pretty much anything right now to have one. I would even do an online thing at this point.

- Trysten

Ok, to everyone who reads this blog, I sincerely need your help. I’ve launched a forum for people who struggle with self harm/injury. It’s supposed to be a safe place where they can come and get help and advice and a shoulder to lean on when they need it. If it can help one person then it’s all worthwhile. All I ask of you is to help spread the word about it. The URL is below:

http://forum.selfharmhelp.org

Also, if you’d like to join, that would be great. You don’t have to struggle with this growing problem to join in and give advice, that is open to anyone. If you can do any of the above mentioned things, I would be so entirely grateful to you! Please, just take a minute and spread the word.

Thank you.

- Trysten Blair

As the title says, I need honest opinions. I want to do a kind of before and after sort of thing with my voice, so I’ve decided to upload two clips of me singing. They aren’t great, that’s the whole point in getting the vocal training, but I want the opinion of everyone who listens to them. If you can, rate it on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being the worst singer ever and 10 being I don’t need vocal training at all. If anyone rates 10, you’re the biggest liar ever! Anyway, to begin…

First clip is the song “I’ll Stand By You” originally sung by The Pretenders. I had vowed at one point never to sing this song again for reasons that shall remain unspoken, but I decided to break that vow anyway:

I’ll Stand By You

Second clip is the song “Angels” originally song by Robbie Williams.

Angels

Again, please rate on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 is horrendous, 10 is amazing. Also, if you have any critique, feel free to give it. I already know that my voice is pretty weak and that I’m nasally, so you don’t need to mention that. Anything else is fine, though. Thanks in advance!

Laters.

- Trysten

I’m extremely nervous, scared and excited atm. I’m finally going to be getting vocal lessons starting in January! I’m excited because it’s my first step towards my singing career and making sure it can go somewhere, but I’m so fucking scared and nervous because I’ve never actually sang in front of anyone before. Yeah, I’ve sent a few videos to Ryan because he wanted to hear me, but that’s it. Any other time anyone has heard me has been by complete accident.

I know what you’re thinking, if I wanna have a singing career then I’m obviously going to have to sing for people. I know, but right now I have severe anxiety issues that haven’t been worked out. Once I have my singing career, I plan to be on anxiety meds and then it shouldn’t be nearly as big a problem. I have been prescribed some pills to help with my anxiety, but I haven’t started taking them yet. I should probably get the prescription soon…

Anyway, once I get comfortable with my voice and I feel it’s strong enough, expect me to become the next big YouTube/MySpace sensation, hehe. But for now, I’m heading out. Laters.

- Trysten

Ok, well, I kinda missed my deadline for NaNoWriMo. But does that surprise anyone? It doesn’t me. I’m not good with keeping my attention on one thing for so long, it just doesn’t work. I am going to keep writing my story, though, regardless of if NaNoWriMo is over. I’ve been trying to think on how to continue it. It’s been erotica for long enough, but with the last ending I just kind of set myself up for writing another jack off session for Milan, lol. But he’s already jacked off twice, that’s plenty for one day! IDK, I’ll figure something out…

Onto good but bad news… I get a Mac (that’s the good news)! My old laptop is dead for good now (and that’s the bad news), so I had to buy a new laptop off of ebay. It’s hardly new, it’s actually about four years old, but it looks pretty new, though! It’s an iBook G3 IIRC and it’s got iLife (which includes Garage Band!) and Microsoft Office 2008 (which is always helpful since I will actually use some of that ish). I had to pay for it with an echeck via PayPal, but it should clear tomorrow and I’m hoping I’ll get my laptop on Tuesday or so.

Um… what else is new besides that? I got my hair cut on Saturday! And when I say cut, I mean cut. I have, like, no hair left, lol. If you care enough to see it, I have a few pictures on my DailyBooth. I wasn’t so sure how well I liked it at first and how me it was, but after having it a few days I do actually really like it and think it’s the new me, lol.

I finally went to go see a psychiatrist a couple Thursdays again. I feel like I have everything under the sun. He told me that he thinks I have ADD or ADHD, Social Anxiety Disorder as well as a mild depression. He gave me some Abilify for the depression, I couldn’t stand to take it, though, so I stopped. Like, it would just make me WAY too restless and jumpy, I could not stand it at all. Seriously, it was so much that it honestly had me thinking about suicide just so I could get away from the feeling. =/ It was terrible. But I’m supposed to go see him again this Thursday, so maybe I can try something new that doesn’t drive me insane. But once I get the depression under control, I think he’s supposed to give me medication to treat the Social Anxiety Disorder, then once that’s under control he’s going to give me something for the ADD. Such a long process, hopefully we can find a good combo of medicines fairly quickly.

Anyway, besides that, I don’t really have much else to say. I may start making video blogs soon. Anyone wanna hear my amazingly hot voice and see my cute little self on video? Yeah, didn’t think so, lol. But yeah, so I’mma head out now. Later.

- Trysten

Been a while… obviously. I’ve just not had shit to say. Well, I have, I just tend to tweet my shit now instead of blogging. Plus, I’ve just been trying to keep myself busy anyway.

I’ve been trying to work on my music a lot lately. I’ve posted three instrumentals onto my MySpace (link to the right) since my last blog, entitled “Remember You”, “Upstart” and “Secrets”. The first two mentioned are by far the best of the three, the other kinda sucks, lol. If you want, you’re more than welcome to check them out and leave feedback.

I’m also currently working on an EP of electro pop instrumentals. I’ve completed three potential tracks for it so far. I’ll probably do around 20 altogether and just pick the best ones and the ones that go best with the concept I’ve got. I’m hoping I can have everything all finished up by the end of the year.

Besides music, this month is NaNoWriMo, so I’ve started my novel. I’ve been posting it to BlogSpot, LoveAsphyxia.BlogSpot.com is the URL if you’d like to check out what I have so far. I’ve not written much yet, only around 1,400 words of the 50,000 total. I probably wont finish before the month is over, but oh well. I’ll just do what I can and be happy with what I accomplish. If you do read any of my story, I’d appreciate your feedback. Just know that I’m hardly a professional, though, so it may suck, lol.

Anyway, besides that shiz, I’ve been thinking about university again. I think I’m going to go for Journalism instead. I love fashion, but I just want to do something a smidge more meaningful, y’know? It’d be fun to make everyone look hotter, but it doesn’t really amount to a hill of beans in the long run to me. At least with Journalism, I can write pieces and inform and hopefully influence and inspire people with my writing. If I can influence just one person for the better, I can honestly say I’ll be damn happy at the end of the day.

So yeah, umm…. well, I guess that’s pretty much all. Later guys.

- Trysten

Severe anxiety + irrational thinking + broken piece of glass = ?????

Can anyone figure out the answer to that one? Yeah, that’s how I spent yesterday morning.

I apparently have some sort of irrational fear of going to a doctor’s office that makes me seriously crazy. I mean I seriously freaked out the last time I was supposed to go to see a doctor, too. But yeah, I had an appointment with a doctor yesterday, scheduled for 10:00 AM. I freaked out around 3:00 AM and gave myself five nice, new cuts and several other scratches that I wanted to be cuts but I just couldn’t get the damn thing to break skin. Ugh, yes, there is still plenty of anger leftover from yesterday. But anyway, once I did that, I changed plans and decided I wasn’t going to the appointment. Of course, though, with me and my damn understand of my fucked up mind, I knew it was all just a subconscious ploy to keep me from having to go because I was scared. I decided after a while to stop being such a damn baby so I got off my ass and took my shower and everything and ended up going.

I went with the intention to ask about several different things I was curious about, but the doctor really didn’t give me a chance to mention anything other than this bullshit going on with my mental state. We blabbed for a while and it all ended with us deciding I was going back to see a therapist (which was my idea, so I’m cool with it). My appointment is scheduled for Oct. 22 I believe it is. There was also a seriously awkward moment for me in there as well regarding my sexuality and it being mentioned around my parents, but whatevs.

Anyway, I’ve got a lot to talk to the therapist about. Of course there’s all of the shit with my family and whatnot, but, if you read my tweets, you’ll notice I’ve got other shit to talk about as well. See, I’ve been doing some reading regarding ADD. I also took several (around five or so) of those little self-assessment tests and all of them said they strongly think I’ve got ADD. There was one I took that was a long checklist of characteristics. There were 71 things mentioned and 41 of them applied to me (there was also four more that I *’ed because I didn’t really know what to answer). The test itself said that if you marked 20 or more, it “indicates a strong tendency toward” ADD or ADHD. Again, I marked 41 of them. I told the doctor about this but he seemed skeptical still. But yeah, so I’m just going to bring it up with the therapist and see what he/she has to say.

I also took a test that said it was pretty likely that I have OCD, too. If I do, though, I don’t figure it’s very severe. I mean I looked that up as well and I do display several of the symptoms, but my little obsessions and compulsions aren’t really that irrational. I mean I hate using public restrooms so I avoid that at all costs, but those are seriously nasty! And I always make sure to wash my hands after using the restroom or handling trash, but that’s just good hygiene. And I hate sharing food or drinks with family members, but that’s the easiest way to spread germs so I avoid that for that reason.

I do definitely have some irrational obsessions, though. I mean I obsessively clean my iPhone off because the smudges just drive me crazy. I tend to do that with everything that’s smudge-able, though, which is where it really get’s out of hand. I also have to put one sock on and then one shoe on. I hate putting both socks on and then both shoes. I also make sure my socks are always pulled up because it drives me crazy if they’re not. I do that with the rest of my clothes, too, make sure they’re in perfect order and nothing is out of place. I mean when I sit down I have to make sure the bottom of my shirt is all pulled out and not folded in or out anywhere. And shirt tags, they HAVE to be inside or I just freak out. I mean ask my mother, she’s always at the end of that one. Her shirt tag is always sticking out and I just walk up to her and tuck it back in. I also have this crazy notion in my head that dolls are alive, but I route that back to when I was little and was first exposed to Chucky (y’know, that crazy, possessed killer doll thing). Thinking about it, I still have a fear of Chucky. I also hate being alone in my house at night because I obsessively think someone is going to break in and kill me. And I refuse to get a drivers license because I think I’m going to get in a car wreck and die. I don’t think I could ever fly on a plane either because I think it’s going to crash and kill everyone on board. Or a terrorist will hijack it and fly it into the Statue of Liberty or something, idk. I also have this weird fear of hair. Like if someone left their hair in the bathtub and I have to pick it out, I use toilet paper to do it. Or if someone’s hair is stuck in the comb. Ugh, barf. And I HAVE to sleep on my stomach because I think someone is going to come into my room while I’m asleep and I’ll have one of those 9,000 random sleep boners and I’ll wake up and they’ll be staring at me all WTF-ish and it’ll just be really embarrassing. I could probably list 1,000 more silly obsessions (or fears since that’s been what half of these are, though they’ve turned into obsessions), but I wont. Maybe I do have a crazy little case of OCD? lol. Who knows? I’ll bring it up with the therapist, too.

Anyway, that’s all. My crazy little self will probably go to bed soon. Good night.

xoxo Trysten Blair

Ok, so I’m seriously confused and torn between two things. Fuck knows that there is absolutely nothing I love more than singing, but I’d also really, really love being a fashion stylist. Right now those are the two career choices I’m looking at, but I feel that I just need to choose one or the other and focus all of my time on that.

Singing, like I said, nothing tops it. I know I’ve got a lot of work to do, though, to even have a chance. I’m hardly the male Whitney Houston or whoever over here, y’know? But I do feel like I have what I need vocally to make it, it’s just a matter of getting it all together. A big problem I have is just that my voice is very weak, but I honestly think that vocal lessons would do wonders for that and everything else as well. But besides that, I’ve got other things that need sorted out.

First and foremost, I need to learn to connect to a song. I’ve always had problems finding songs that I can connect with on an emotional level, even songs I write I have trouble with. I can honestly only think of one song that I really feel emotionally. I just feel that if I can’t connect with songs, people will notice and it’ll seriously hurt my chances. People can generally tell if you’re into a song and if you’re not, it just doesn’t work.

Second, I need to find my sound. I know the type of music I want to do: an urban dance pop type of thing. But I just don’t know if my voice suits it. I don’t really know what my voice goes with. I could be a crap pop singer and be good at country for all I know. I’ve tried all different types of things, but I have no idea what sounds best because I don’t let people hear me and give an opinion. i know I should probably just go with what I feel most (pop), but (to me) a singing career is about putting yourself out there for people to hear and connect with you. People aren’t going to do that if you’re singing the entirely wrong thing.

Third, confidence. I have no confidence in my voice whatsoever and that definitely shows. Honestly, I have very little confidence in myself in general. It’s a problem with myself that I need to work out. I’ve got to believe and know that I can do this and work at it and get better. If I don’t believe, the confidence will never be there. But believing is something that isn’t exactly easy for me to do (in a singing sense, otherwise it’s very easy ).

There are probably 1,000 other things I could list as well, but I’ll stop there.

On the other hand, fashion and styling has become a nice chunk of my life over the past year. It’s something I really love and enjoy. Fashion is something I’ve made a connection with and I feel it’s a part of who I am and allows me to express myself even more. Knowing how I have connected with it and how it makes me feel, I’d love to help others achieve that as well and I feel that I could.

Fashion is also the only thing I’d like to go to college for besides music (and there’s no chance in hell I’d get in anywhere for music). I’d love to go back to school, not just to learn, but to have a life again. An art school is a place I could be where I could learn about something I’m truly passionate about that’s also a place where being me isn’t seen as weird (well, not as weird, lol) and I could be around (and hopefully make friends with) people who share similar interests. I just think studying fashion would be something that would be really good for me in more ways than one.

My only problem is that fashion isn’t music. As I said, nothing quite compares to music for me. If anything did, though, it would definitely be fashion. Since fashion is a fairly close #2, I don’t quite have the problem with choosing it as I would choosing something else. Plus, I just think fashion is a more realistic choice for me. I mean it’s obvious that gays are a lot more widely known and accepted in fashion than pretty much anywhere else. But I also just feel that I have a better ability with fashion than I do with singing.

Of course, there are other aspects of music that I adore that I could go with. Being in the music industry without being a singer, though, would be like ripping my heart out, spitting on it, throwing it on the ground, stomping on it, then throwing it in the trash, taking that trash can and throwing it off the tallest building in the world, running it over with a monster truck once it hit the ground, then lighting it on fire. Actually, no, it would be worse than that, but we get the point. So yeah, that’s all off the table for sure.

Anyway, I think my head knows what it thinks I should do, but my heart is screaming, “HELL MOTHERFUCKING NO!!!” which is why I’m still completely torn right now. If anyone gives a damn, I’d appreciate very much if you’d comment and leave some advice or something.

xoxo Trysten Blair