One Ugly Ducky

Been a while… obviously. I’ve just not had shit to say. Well, I have, I just tend to tweet my shit now instead of blogging. Plus, I’ve just been trying to keep myself busy anyway.

I’ve been trying to work on my music a lot lately. I’ve posted three instrumentals onto my MySpace (link to the right) since my last blog, entitled “Remember You”, “Upstart” and “Secrets”. The first two mentioned are by far the best of the three, the other kinda sucks, lol. If you want, you’re more than welcome to check them out and leave feedback.

I’m also currently working on an EP of electro pop instrumentals. I’ve completed three potential tracks for it so far. I’ll probably do around 20 altogether and just pick the best ones and the ones that go best with the concept I’ve got. I’m hoping I can have everything all finished up by the end of the year.

Besides music, this month is NaNoWriMo, so I’ve started my novel. I’ve been posting it to BlogSpot, LoveAsphyxia.BlogSpot.com is the URL if you’d like to check out what I have so far. I’ve not written much yet, only around 1,400 words of the 50,000 total. I probably wont finish before the month is over, but oh well. I’ll just do what I can and be happy with what I accomplish. If you do read any of my story, I’d appreciate your feedback. Just know that I’m hardly a professional, though, so it may suck, lol.

Anyway, besides that shiz, I’ve been thinking about university again. I think I’m going to go for Journalism instead. I love fashion, but I just want to do something a smidge more meaningful, y’know? It’d be fun to make everyone look hotter, but it doesn’t really amount to a hill of beans in the long run to me. At least with Journalism, I can write pieces and inform and hopefully influence and inspire people with my writing. If I can influence just one person for the better, I can honestly say I’ll be damn happy at the end of the day.

So yeah, umm…. well, I guess that’s pretty much all. Later guys.

- Trysten

Severe anxiety + irrational thinking + broken piece of glass = ?????

Can anyone figure out the answer to that one? Yeah, that’s how I spent yesterday morning.

I apparently have some sort of irrational fear of going to a doctor’s office that makes me seriously crazy. I mean I seriously freaked out the last time I was supposed to go to see a doctor, too. But yeah, I had an appointment with a doctor yesterday, scheduled for 10:00 AM. I freaked out around 3:00 AM and gave myself five nice, new cuts and several other scratches that I wanted to be cuts but I just couldn’t get the damn thing to break skin. Ugh, yes, there is still plenty of anger leftover from yesterday. But anyway, once I did that, I changed plans and decided I wasn’t going to the appointment. Of course, though, with me and my damn understand of my fucked up mind, I knew it was all just a subconscious ploy to keep me from having to go because I was scared. I decided after a while to stop being such a damn baby so I got off my ass and took my shower and everything and ended up going.

I went with the intention to ask about several different things I was curious about, but the doctor really didn’t give me a chance to mention anything other than this bullshit going on with my mental state. We blabbed for a while and it all ended with us deciding I was going back to see a therapist (which was my idea, so I’m cool with it). My appointment is scheduled for Oct. 22 I believe it is. There was also a seriously awkward moment for me in there as well regarding my sexuality and it being mentioned around my parents, but whatevs.

Anyway, I’ve got a lot to talk to the therapist about. Of course there’s all of the shit with my family and whatnot, but, if you read my tweets, you’ll notice I’ve got other shit to talk about as well. See, I’ve been doing some reading regarding ADD. I also took several (around five or so) of those little self-assessment tests and all of them said they strongly think I’ve got ADD. There was one I took that was a long checklist of characteristics. There were 71 things mentioned and 41 of them applied to me (there was also four more that I *’ed because I didn’t really know what to answer). The test itself said that if you marked 20 or more, it “indicates a strong tendency toward” ADD or ADHD. Again, I marked 41 of them. I told the doctor about this but he seemed skeptical still. But yeah, so I’m just going to bring it up with the therapist and see what he/she has to say.

I also took a test that said it was pretty likely that I have OCD, too. If I do, though, I don’t figure it’s very severe. I mean I looked that up as well and I do display several of the symptoms, but my little obsessions and compulsions aren’t really that irrational. I mean I hate using public restrooms so I avoid that at all costs, but those are seriously nasty! And I always make sure to wash my hands after using the restroom or handling trash, but that’s just good hygiene. And I hate sharing food or drinks with family members, but that’s the easiest way to spread germs so I avoid that for that reason.

I do definitely have some irrational obsessions, though. I mean I obsessively clean my iPhone off because the smudges just drive me crazy. I tend to do that with everything that’s smudge-able, though, which is where it really get’s out of hand. I also have to put one sock on and then one shoe on. I hate putting both socks on and then both shoes. I also make sure my socks are always pulled up because it drives me crazy if they’re not. I do that with the rest of my clothes, too, make sure they’re in perfect order and nothing is out of place. I mean when I sit down I have to make sure the bottom of my shirt is all pulled out and not folded in or out anywhere. And shirt tags, they HAVE to be inside or I just freak out. I mean ask my mother, she’s always at the end of that one. Her shirt tag is always sticking out and I just walk up to her and tuck it back in. I also have this crazy notion in my head that dolls are alive, but I route that back to when I was little and was first exposed to Chucky (y’know, that crazy, possessed killer doll thing). Thinking about it, I still have a fear of Chucky. I also hate being alone in my house at night because I obsessively think someone is going to break in and kill me. And I refuse to get a drivers license because I think I’m going to get in a car wreck and die. I don’t think I could ever fly on a plane either because I think it’s going to crash and kill everyone on board. Or a terrorist will hijack it and fly it into the Statue of Liberty or something, idk. I also have this weird fear of hair. Like if someone left their hair in the bathtub and I have to pick it out, I use toilet paper to do it. Or if someone’s hair is stuck in the comb. Ugh, barf. And I HAVE to sleep on my stomach because I think someone is going to come into my room while I’m asleep and I’ll have one of those 9,000 random sleep boners and I’ll wake up and they’ll be staring at me all WTF-ish and it’ll just be really embarrassing. I could probably list 1,000 more silly obsessions (or fears since that’s been what half of these are, though they’ve turned into obsessions), but I wont. Maybe I do have a crazy little case of OCD? lol. Who knows? I’ll bring it up with the therapist, too.

Anyway, that’s all. My crazy little self will probably go to bed soon. Good night.

xoxo Trysten Blair

Ok, so I’m seriously confused and torn between two things. Fuck knows that there is absolutely nothing I love more than singing, but I’d also really, really love being a fashion stylist. Right now those are the two career choices I’m looking at, but I feel that I just need to choose one or the other and focus all of my time on that.

Singing, like I said, nothing tops it. I know I’ve got a lot of work to do, though, to even have a chance. I’m hardly the male Whitney Houston or whoever over here, y’know? But I do feel like I have what I need vocally to make it, it’s just a matter of getting it all together. A big problem I have is just that my voice is very weak, but I honestly think that vocal lessons would do wonders for that and everything else as well. But besides that, I’ve got other things that need sorted out.

First and foremost, I need to learn to connect to a song. I’ve always had problems finding songs that I can connect with on an emotional level, even songs I write I have trouble with. I can honestly only think of one song that I really feel emotionally. I just feel that if I can’t connect with songs, people will notice and it’ll seriously hurt my chances. People can generally tell if you’re into a song and if you’re not, it just doesn’t work.

Second, I need to find my sound. I know the type of music I want to do: an urban dance pop type of thing. But I just don’t know if my voice suits it. I don’t really know what my voice goes with. I could be a crap pop singer and be good at country for all I know. I’ve tried all different types of things, but I have no idea what sounds best because I don’t let people hear me and give an opinion. i know I should probably just go with what I feel most (pop), but (to me) a singing career is about putting yourself out there for people to hear and connect with you. People aren’t going to do that if you’re singing the entirely wrong thing.

Third, confidence. I have no confidence in my voice whatsoever and that definitely shows. Honestly, I have very little confidence in myself in general. It’s a problem with myself that I need to work out. I’ve got to believe and know that I can do this and work at it and get better. If I don’t believe, the confidence will never be there. But believing is something that isn’t exactly easy for me to do (in a singing sense, otherwise it’s very easy ).

There are probably 1,000 other things I could list as well, but I’ll stop there.

On the other hand, fashion and styling has become a nice chunk of my life over the past year. It’s something I really love and enjoy. Fashion is something I’ve made a connection with and I feel it’s a part of who I am and allows me to express myself even more. Knowing how I have connected with it and how it makes me feel, I’d love to help others achieve that as well and I feel that I could.

Fashion is also the only thing I’d like to go to college for besides music (and there’s no chance in hell I’d get in anywhere for music). I’d love to go back to school, not just to learn, but to have a life again. An art school is a place I could be where I could learn about something I’m truly passionate about that’s also a place where being me isn’t seen as weird (well, not as weird, lol) and I could be around (and hopefully make friends with) people who share similar interests. I just think studying fashion would be something that would be really good for me in more ways than one.

My only problem is that fashion isn’t music. As I said, nothing quite compares to music for me. If anything did, though, it would definitely be fashion. Since fashion is a fairly close #2, I don’t quite have the problem with choosing it as I would choosing something else. Plus, I just think fashion is a more realistic choice for me. I mean it’s obvious that gays are a lot more widely known and accepted in fashion than pretty much anywhere else. But I also just feel that I have a better ability with fashion than I do with singing.

Of course, there are other aspects of music that I adore that I could go with. Being in the music industry without being a singer, though, would be like ripping my heart out, spitting on it, throwing it on the ground, stomping on it, then throwing it in the trash, taking that trash can and throwing it off the tallest building in the world, running it over with a monster truck once it hit the ground, then lighting it on fire. Actually, no, it would be worse than that, but we get the point. So yeah, that’s all off the table for sure.

Anyway, I think my head knows what it thinks I should do, but my heart is screaming, “HELL MOTHERFUCKING NO!!!” which is why I’m still completely torn right now. If anyone gives a damn, I’d appreciate very much if you’d comment and leave some advice or something.

xoxo Trysten Blair

YAY YAY YAY! Ok, I’m totally a kid in a candy store right now. My iPhone got here yesterday! For once I don’t feel like a loser because I actually have something cool, lol.

But yeah, like I said last post, it’s the 8GB Black 3G iPhone. Unfortunately, as I also said, it’s not new, but a refurbished phone instead that I ordered from AT&T. I probably could’ve gotten a new one, but I didn’t really want to spend $100 on a phone right now. The refurb was only $50 so it worked out better. The last refurb I got from AT&T (my Nokia E62) still works fine now (except the speaker to talk doesn’t work anymore, that’s my fault, though) and I got it a couple of years ago, so I’m hoping my iPhone will last a good while, too. I’ll post a pic with my new little toy on DailyBooth sometime within the next couple of days, hehe.

I’ve been loading my songs onto it today. I’ve put a little over 60 songs on it so far and I’ve got around another 60 that I plan to put on as well. I’m gonna see about putting pics on it, too. I have to have Tom and Victor on there for sure. I’ll probably throw some TV shows or something on as well. Maybe some Pokemon once I get all of my shit off of my laptop harddrive? lol. But I also put a few apps on as well. I’ve got Twitterrific, YIM, MySpace, WordPress, and a flashlight app as well (there was a thunderstorm earlier, I thought I might need it, lol). I downloaded one of the mirror ones as well but it didn’t really work so I just deleted it. I’m gonna go through and see what else they have soon and probably download some other things.

So, overall I kind of seriously LOVE this phone, lol. I do have one complaint, though: it smudges WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too much. I swear, there is nothing I HATE more than ickiness all over my phone. It’s just gross. So yeah, I’m constantly wiping it off with my shirt. Whatevs, though, I still <3 the phone.

Anyway, that's about all I have to say for now. I'm gonna go play around with the phone some more, lol. Laters.

xoxo Trysten Blair

Yes, randomness pt. 2. This ain’t gonna be a list, though. More just random shit I wanna talk about.

Randomness #1: I think I have a straight crush on Katie Cassidy. Ok, so I totally <3 Melrose Place. I seriously thought I would hate it, and I only watched it in the first place because I'm an Ashlee Simpson fan, but I actually really like it. It's so much better than that 90210 bullshit. But anyway, I usually just watch shows for the hot guys, but that's not the case here. I so watch for Katie Cassidy. Don't get me wrong, none of the guys are ugly, it's just that she's the best looking thing on the show. But that's best looking as in, "You're hot in a "too bad you're not a guy" kind of way," not, "You're hot in an "Ooh, I so want you" kind of way." lol. "You're hot in an "Ooh, I so want you" kind of way," is reserved strictly for guys.

Randomness #2: I might be getting an iPhone! Yes, it’s a refurb. Yes, there’s no “S” at the end of “3G.” And yes, it’s cruddy black instead of white. But I so do not care at all. I’m just excited that I might be getting a good phone! The fact that it’s seen as a cool little thing to have is a plus, too. It is still seen as a cool thing to have, right? Or has that stupid Palm Pre or whatever taken it’s place? IDK, it’s cool in my mind so I’ll run with that. But anyway, I’m excited for that.

Randomness #3: Glee is so THE best show in the history of the world! Well, besides, like, Ugly Betty and United States of Tara and South of Nowhere and stuff. But I didn’t get to watch the new episode when it aired, but I recorded it on our DVR and watched it earlier. <3'ed it, of course! I <3 Kurt and his "Single Ladies" dance, hehe. But I just <3 Kurt and the actor who plays him, Chris Colfer. I have a small little crush on him, too. heh. But it was fun seeing the whole coming out storyline, and then seeing everyone dance to "Single Ladies," lol.

Randomness #4: Corrections to yesterday’s list: Dylan Sprouse is my first celeb boy crush, “pastor’s son” was technically my first crush on a boy, lol. I was 14 – not 13 – when I was into singing TLC songs. I think that’s all.

Randomness #5: I installed a little hits counter in the sidebar ’cause I have absolutely no idea if WordPress tells you how many people visit your blog or not and I was curious. I know it’s only going to say, like, five people everyday, but whatevs. I so need links. If any of you have a blog and wanna link up, just tell me, k?

Randomness #6: Because my fave upcoming artists always need exposure to five new people, I decided I want to plug them all. They’re all Pop or R&B, hopefully some of you are into that. Anyway: Wynter, Eva Simons, Kaci Battaglia, Nikki Flores, Ak’Sent, Varsity Fanclub, Livvi Franc, Natasha, & Danielle Savre. There are probably more that I just don’t remember atm, there are plenty there for you anyway. If any of you actually check any of them out, let me know what you think.

Anyway, I think that’s all for now. Laters people.

xoxo Trysten Blair

‘Cause I’m completely bored and have nothing better to do with my time, I’m totally just gonna type up random facts about myself so you can get to know me better! I mean ’cause you all want that, right? All two of you. Anyway…

01. I’m not good at lists (that’s why I’m making one!)
02. I’m bored, like, 24/7
03. Dylan Sprouse was the first boy I had a crush on
04. Josh Hutcherson was my first real obsession
05. I don’t think he’s as cute as he used to be
06. Same goes for Alex Pettyfer
07. My lists suck (Yeah, that was kinda a repeat of #1)
08. I can’t think of one thing about me that people wouldn’t expect
09. I feel like I’m running out of things to say but I’m really not
10. I totally wanna be a speech writer for a future president
11. I would kick ass at debate
12. Any guy I have oral sex with should be on the smaller side
13. My mouth is small, I’m not trying to shove anything huge into it
14. I fear I’m going to choke and die the first time I give someone a blowjob
15. This list just got really silly yet still truthful
16. I totally have a thing for armpits
17. I don’t want to, like, shove my face in one, I just like to marvel at their beauty
18. I need to stop typing Girliciousness
19. Girliciousness = Stupid Shit (’cause of their song, duh!)
20. I totally hate being sarcastic
21. That was the biggest lie, ever
22. I’m totally the most giggly person you’ll ever meet, hehe
23. I always act like I’m drunk
24. In reality, I’ve only had alcohol once
25. That was in April of this year
26. It was cherry vodka that my sister gave me
27. It tasted like shit but I’d totally drink it again
28. I swear I have a “blond moment” every five minutes
29. I used to sing along to “I’m Good At Being Bad” by TLC when I was 13
30. I had absolutely no idea wth I was singing about at the time
31. Yes, I was very sheltered
32. My friend told me that I must’ve sounded gay for singing it
33. Maybe she was onto me back then?
34. I still remember some of the very first porn pics I saw
35. I used to imagine giving the pastor’s son a blowjob when I was in church
36. It made me feel really bad then, but I can’t help but laugh at it now
37. I still remember the first time I jacked off
38. It was completely and totally unintentional
39. The longest I’ve gone without jacking off is two weeks
40. I only went two weeks because I had broken the arm I used to jack off
41. I just ended up using my other hand after those two weeks
42. My arm was in a cast for around two months
43. My forearm is curved because it didn’t heal right
44. I played my very first tennis tournament with my broken arm
45. I actually hit some aces with my one-handed serve that day
46. I tend to double fault when I’m match point down, it’s not good
47. I want to play another junior tournament before I get too old
48. That probably wont happen
49. I love making long, pointless lists about myself
50. I’m done now

Anyway, that was pretty long and pointless, as I said. But now you know some random shit you didn’t care about! I hope you feel closer to me now, lol. Laters.

xoxo Trysten Blair

I’m going to try and calm my ridiculous self and post a real blog again. I’m just going to write whatever comes to mind and go with it. Wish me luck.

The past few days have been shitty. I’ve just been in this complete shit mood and have had no one to talk to. I just feel like I want to cut myself constantly, and over everything.

That’s one thing that bothers me, talking about my cutting. I feel like a goddamn attention whore for it. Like I said on my old blog, though, I don’t do it for attention. I mean talking about it publicly and watching no one respond would just further prove no one cares, so it’d would pretty much defeat the purpose of that. I talk about it because I hate keeping things a secret. I hope that one day someone will read and care enough to offer some advice to help. If I keep secrets, no one can help, y’know? But regardless, I still feel like an attention whore.

I just feel like an attention whore for talking about my problems in general. I feel like I’m just being all, “Oh, poor, pitiful me. Feel bad for me!” or something. And I just feel like a fucking baby, too. I know most of my problems are all in my head anyway. I just don’t get what the fucking hell my deal is. I just hate myself for not being able to get over this shit and it makes me want to cut more.

One thing I’ll never get, even if I do do it, is self harming. I don’t really understand how causing yourself physical pain takes away the emotional pain. All I know is that it does… temporarily. But anymore, it’s not enough. I used to be able to cut myself once and then be ok. Now I have to cut myself four or five times to be able to calm myself down. If I had access to them, I probably would’ve moved on to bigger and worse things by now. If I had access to alcohol, I’d probably be an alcoholic already. I’ve said before that I’m totally the type who could become one if I’m not careful. I still fully believe that.

Honestly, a part of me wishes I could drink as often as I wanted. A part of me wishes I could just do everything destructive – drink, do drugs, smoke, etc… – just to get my stupid life over with quicker. I already feel like I’ve fucked my life up beyond repair, might as well just fuck it up and finish it off in style. But I’m too fucking sensible to do anything worse than cutting. I just want a chance to fix everything and start over, but I feel like that’s never going to happen so why not just do all of that stupid shit?

It’s so fucked up, a part of me feels like I have all of the potential in the world. Potential to actually do something and be great at it. But a bigger part feels like I’m just too fucked up to reach any full potential I have. It’s a shit feeling to have when you feel like that.

But the only person I have to blame for any of my problems is me. Just keeping my stupid ass in school would’ve helped. But no, I had to be a baby and let shit get to me. I fucking hate myself for that. I hate myself for causing all of my problems. I hate myself for not being strong enough to get over them. I just hate myself.

Anyway, I think I’m done for now. This is probably the most real blog I’ve written on here. Everything else was thought out before posted, this is all just written spontaneously and from the heart. I’m just in a really bad place again and I’m tried of bottling it all up. If I’m going to blog, I at least want to say what I really feel. Later.

Trysten

Blogging has become a huge bitch for me lately. I can never get myself to blog because I feel that everything I have to talk about isn’t worth talking about. I constantly find myself typing up blogs, then midway through being all, “I don’t want to talk about this, it’s stupid.” How I got my last two blogs out, I’ll never know. All I can really say is that it’s making me seriously frustrated. I want to talk but everything seems so fucking pointless to me anymore.

I’ll probably just end up being quiet until I get all of this shit in my head sorted out. Not like anyone is going to miss me, though, no one reads this place anyway. But whatevs, that’s beside the point. So yeah, laters.

Trysten

That looks like a bunch of gibberish, doesn’t it? Well, it’s not, I promise. NaNoWriMo (short for National Novel Writing Month) is something I heard about on Friday’s episode of Jeopardy (<3 that show). One of the contestants was talking about it, saying he's entered the "contest" and "won" (it's not really a contest and you don't technically win anything) each year over the past five years. Me, being the non-writer that I am (I like to write, I'm just no good at it), thought it sounded cool and decided to check out their site.

So, what you do is fairly simple and obvious judging by the name: you try and complete a novel over the course of the month (NaNoWriMo is November for anyone who cares). A novel in this case is 50,000+ words in length. Since most of my blogs tend to be close to 1,000 words each, I didn't figure it'd be too terribly hard for me to write 50,000 words, lol. So, in November, I'm going to take part and try and complete a really terrible novel. I'm actually going to start a novel now, just playing around, and then start a real one in November for NaNoWriMo (I <3 saying that ). Wish me luck on completing either one of my novels! Actually, never mind, I'll do it for you: Good luck, Trysten Blair! lol.

Anyway, on a different subject, what I was talking about last night - the part about being smarter than you (lol) - kinda got me curious. I ended up Googling random shit - well, not really random shit, all I looked up was IQ test scores so I could see how gifted an IQ of 131 makes you. Well, I found my way to something on About.com regarding gifted children, and I found something about specific traits that they (we?) tend to have, referred to as overexcitabilities. There was one in particular that described me perfectly. Of course, that was emotional overexcitability. A small bit from the article:

The emotional overexcitability is probably the most significant of the five overexcitabilities. It is most easily recognized by parents of gifted children because these children display heightened and intense emotions and emotional responses to events and experiences.

Children with this OE have the capacity for great emotional depth. They develop strong attachments to people, places, and things. Because of their emotional intensity, they are often accused of over-reacting or being melodramatic. However, the emotions they feel are real. The molehills to them are truly mountains.

The emotional OE is also manifested in a deep concern for others, as well as self-criticism and anxiety. Even gifted toddlers high in this OE can show concern over a baby’s cries or over the distress of a fellow toddler who has been hurt or become upset. As sympathetic as they are to others, they seem unable to feel sympathy for themselves. Instead, they tend to be highly self-critical. They can also feel a deep sense of responsibility, which can lead to feelings of failure and guilt.

If that doesn’t sound like me, I don’t know what does. The article also mentions that emotional overexcitability can lead to existential depression. Now I’ve not read a whole big lot on that variety of depression, but from what I have read, it definitely seems like the form of depression I’ve got problems with. Everything that causes me to get depressed is in regards to my existence. I found an article regarding existential depression, describing some of the questions that sufferers might ask themselves:

Existential depression may occur when a person comes face to face with these kinds of issues of life, death, freedom and the meaning of their life. For instance, a person with existential depression might ask themselves, “What is the meaning of my life? Is it only to work 9 to 5, have a family, and then die? Will I ever find someone who truly understands and believes in me no matter what? Does god care about me? Does anyone else truly care about me?” Existential depression may be characterized by a unique sense of hopelessness in feeling that our lives may actually be meaningless.

All of the things I get depressed over can be drawn back to those particular questions (minus the question about God, of course).

Y’know, right now is a good example of when I’m very happy to have my natural curiosity of everything. I’ve always wanted answers as to why I am so emotional, now I at least have a theory. And thanks to said theory, I have a more in depth look into my suffering from depression.

Anyway, on a more general subject, today was actually pretty decent. I didn’t have any depressed moments or anything. I did have a few pissed off moments, that was courtesy of Pokemon Ruby, though, lol.

I spent pretty much all day by myself so that means I actually got to look at porn for a little while! lol. Since my laptop has been fucked up, I haven’t really gotten to watch too much since I never know when my sister is going to pop in. But see, I’m the type who looks at porn with every jack off session. Hell, I just have this little routine that I follow which actually lasts about two hours, lol. I look at random porn blogs on, like, nibblebit and stuff while I just jerk away for around 45 minutes, then I finish, then I just sit there for about an hour while I wind down or whatever. But yeah, my routine has been dramatically shortened lately, so I’ve been a lot hornier a lot more often. Today was a bit more of the normal routine, though, so it was kind of fun to get back to that. It is a bit fun not really looking at porn, too, though. I have to use my imagination a lot more when I don’t look at porn, so it’s more fun for virgin me to imagine I’m having sex with all of the really hot guy celebs/athletes.

Anyway, it’s getting way late now so I’m gonna head to bed. Links to the mentioned articles are below. Night everyone.

Article 01 & Article 02

xoxo Trysten Blair

So I’m going to try and post again. I’ve wanted to blog all week but I’ve just been too goddamn depressed to finish a post. Everything I had to say was just a little hard to talk about. But, like I said, I’m going to try and post now.

Well to start off, I got in a nice little fight with my “mother” on the 10th. Not going into details, but lets just leave it at I started with having my bag packed and made my way out the door before, for some stupid reason or another, I came back home, then I ended with a nice little cut on my arm. But ever since that day, I’ve just been seriously depressed again. Everything has been bothering me all over again. All of the shit I’ve talked about on here and shit I only talk to Ryan about (yes, there are actually things I don’t mention on here, lol).

But fast forward to last night, it wasn’t good. It felt like old times all over again. I was just seriously upset, thinking about suicide and trying to hurt myself again.

All I’ve done the past week is exactly what I used to do, think of only the bad. The reason I was actually happy for a while was because I started paying more attention to the good things in my life and just stopped worrying so much about all of the shitty things. If I’m ever going to beat this depression/suicide/cutting thing then I just need to focus on the good things again. So, to do that, I’m making a little list of good things in my life. Short version, of course:

People in My Life Who Care About Me – Well, one person anyway. It’s definitely not something everyone has but something everyone should have. It’s something I’m extremely grateful for and something I hope I never take for granted… again.

A roof over my head and food on my table – Again, not something everyone has. If there is one good thing I can say about my parents, it’s that I have always had a roof over my head and food on the table. Granted, it’s barely happened at times, but still was managed to be done.

Opportunities – It’s kind of general, but it’s true. I’ve got more opportunities than I realize. I mean just that I have the chance to go to college soon is something to be thankful for. There are definitely a lot of people who don’t even have the chance to finish a high school education, not to mention getting a college education. But there are definitely other opportunities I have as well that I need to take advantage of.

My Intelligence – I’m probably going to sound completely full of myself, but I’m totally smarter than you. Well, not sure I’d go that far (maybe I would, idk ), but I’m definitely not stupid. I always did really well in school… well, when I was actually in school. I was considered for acceptance into a gifted program at a completely different school from the one I was at when I was in second or third grade, the only thing that kept me out was my poor attendance record. Hell, my poor attendance was the only thing that kept me from being one of the best while I was in school. Example: I found my 7th grade Spanish report card not too long ago. My overall grade was actually an F, but that was solely due to poor attendance. Everything I did turn in I scored 100% on (with the exception of one thing, I got 90% on it), I just wasn’t there for half of the assignments so it equaled out to around 55% overall. But yeah, I’m hardly saying I’m Einstein over here (my tinky supposed IQ of 131 ain’t got shit on what his would’ve been, lol), but I generally tend to have a higher level of intelligence than most of my peers and it’s the one thing about myself that I’m truly proud of and thankful for.

But anyway, I’ll conclude my list on that note, lol. It’s like 4:30AM here so I’m gonna head to bed. Night guys.

xoxo Trysten Blair